I did it!

I finally completed my running program!

The 8 week 5k Runner program took me 11 weeks. So fuckin' what?
If I wasn't gentle with myself, I knew I would have quit long ago. I found that I had better success to give myself a run-free day here and there (*program recommends 3 run days/week) because of my roller derby schedule and I think I was better off for it. I also discovered that every time I felt like it might not be the best time to run (weather, derby pains, mental game), I had a generally bad or unsuccessful run. I realized long ago that this was meant to be guilt-free, personal, and fun... so don't make a chore of it!

The weird part of the program is that it trains you in terms of intervals of walking and running until you are running for 35mins - which I suppose is an average 5k run time. I would always remind myself to "slow down or you aren't gunna be able to do this for x more minutes". I assumed that because of that, I may not actually be reaching a 5k distance. On my final run, I used another app to basically map my distance and pace (means nothing to me really). Okay so guess what? DOUBLE WHAMMY! I finished my final 5k Runner program and stopped my other tracking app and it turns out I actually ran 6.002k in 35mins. Ooops?! Did I actually hit my 5k goal a week or 2 ago and not even know it? HAHA

What's next? Who knows. I will probably run 5k a couple times a week. I really love the feeling I get after I complete the run. I enjoy being alone for 45 whole minutes. I love the confidence it gives me. So why the fuck not give'r for a while longer.

Therapy Running & Keeping Secrets from Friends

Seven weeks ago, I started on a very personal journey that even my closest friends would never expect. I started running. No, really. I downloaded the 5k runner app, bought some cheap sneakers, put on Broadway's leash, and we started running.

Why? Because I was a piece of shit. It was 3 weeks after losing Mink and all I did was cry, I had no motivation, no spirit. Broadway was being misbehaved and under-exercised. I started walking Broadway regularly every morning, working on some re-training. One morning, while walking her at Peakes, I started into a quick jog and the light switched on.

As an excuse, to avoid admitting that I was running, I pretended that Broadway was training to run 5k. She would always run fast at first but by our midway point, she would be fully extended leash behind me and I was dragging her. Her last run was on week 3, when she could no longer keep up with me. Then there was the dilemma. Are we finished the program now? Or shall I continue on?

Today, I started week 6 of 8. I know you are a math genius so let me explain. I lost a week between 3 and 4 to pneumonia. Running while recovering from pneumonia was bonkers!

Back to the private part. I have barely told anyone that I am running (thank you, secret keepers). 

I'm not doing this for anyone; I am in complete control over starting or quitting this program guilt-free.

I don't want to compare myself to anyone else or have anyone give me advice on how to run (I'll ask for advice if I desire it). 

It is my only real alone time, an introvert's dream.

This is my private healing process, finding a way to deal with my grief. 

The next chapter of the story is my need to share my secret. I have discovered that I have created some anxiety for myself. I have adjusted my running route away from being "caught" by my teammates/friends where they (we) go outdoor skating. I got a couple compliments from Bonnie 'N' Collide at roller derby practice saying I'm getting faster and hitting harder. Instead of hiding my adventure from my favourite people on Earth, creating stupid anxiety over nothing, it's time to share. Yes, I have been running since April. Trust me, it's not pretty, fast or graceful in any way, but you may have noticed that I have checked back in to this life. I have learned that it doesn't fill a hole in my heart but it does give me a new main focus.

Losing your Soulmate

Just as I was motivated to start blogging again, my world crumbled. My darling soulmate, Mink Stole died. We had been treating her heart failure with medications to make her comfortable, but the day came that she could no longer suffer.

I had no idea that the death of my cat would affect me as harshly as it has. A little more than a month has passed and I still cry daily. She was my sidekick. For the 7 years we lived together, she required me to take care of her more than just a regular cat. Her breed had requirements like regular bathing, nail trims for her and everyone, regular ear cleanings, she needed to be kept warm, she needed to snuggle. When all of those responsibilities, regular medicating, millions of vet visits, and most importantly her presence disappeared, I felt like I had no purpose and was so very alone.

Grief is a very strange thing. I found myself experiencing the deepest sadness of my life. I was only comfortable being with select companions or completely alone for the first week. Even now, I dread talking about it with certain people because I won't be able to keep it together.

I also suffered the craziest guilt of my life when I couldn't face doing certain things or seeing certain people. There was one night that I was too afraid to go back to roller derby practice because I didn't want to cry in front of my league mates. However, I felt so guilty for missing 3 practices that I couldn't even tell my coach I wasn't going to come because I felt like I would let him down and the whole team. I ended up spending the 2 practice hours crying in the bathtub. The thing is, everyone knew why I couldn't be there and no one was judging me for it. I assumed I wasn't grieving "correctly" and I felt like I needed to rush "back to normal".

Another notable fact is who supported me emotionally to pick up my pieces and try to start again. Jay was my number 1. He let me handle it how I needed to handle it. I never felt judged. I only felt loved. I found it strange that some of my closest friends really backed away. We all deal with emotion differently, so I don't blame them for it. I don't know how I would have supported them if the tables were turned. Then, I had some not-so-close friends (and clients) who reached out gently and forcefully when necessary. People unexpectedly checked in on me even 2 weeks later. I have friends who I wasn't so close to before Mink's death that have become very close today.

For the past few weeks, I've been motivating myself to be happier through roller derby, spending more time working with my pooch (Broadway), and spending meaning time with the ones I love the most. It is definitely working, but I will always have a 6.5lb hole in my heart. I will always miss that tiny nudist sidekick.

#winewars

So here's the deal, I totally abandoned this place and I have threatened to pick it back up like 3 or 4 times in the last 3 or 4 years BUT today is the day!

Instead of getting all serious and shit, I would like to introduce you to what I lovingly call... #winewars ...!!!

It started as a joke with Peg Leg Meg a couple weeks ago and it is exactly what you think it might be. Grab a big glass and ENJOY!

Out with 2013...Finally.

It's May and I still haven't summarized 2013 in a New Years post. I don't know if it is because the year was too crazy to point form or if I simply don't want to relive it. So, instead of reliving it I will instead share some valuable lessons learned.

I quit my job and opened my own salon. My own sanctuary. I realized that I could have taken this risk much sooner but I am happy that I took this risk no matter how long it took me.

 I played roller derby with awesome friends and didn't die. Another risk I am glad to have taken. Apparently, roller derby forces me to take big risks constantly - play harder, try coaching, speak my piece in a room of opposition. Risks. All necessary.

 Motorbiking. This is where my expectations and risk taking need to seriously change. Competing against myself (or anyone!) to ride the most, the hardest, the most fearless... It has been rewarded with the most devastating blowout at 110km/hr on a highway ... Narrowly missing the passing car as I lost control, finding myself in their lane. Yes, 2013 was an absolutely remarkable riding year of intense, fast riding on tiny winding roads in the middle of nowhere. Yes, it was the year of facing my fears and riding up Cape Smokey from the Ingonish side at borderline insane speeds. Yes, it was the year that my Shadow became my body. BUT, with one greatest risk, it all came crashing down with a punch to my mortal heart. My future holds a lot of solo rides and an attitude that I cannot rely on anyone nor will I force myself to stay on tedious rides with unsafe riders surrounding me. I love riding and I have a good crew that I can count on. I look forward to a different type of adventure this year.

New

It seems as though a million things in life are changing. This makes me really happy and romantically nostalgic. 

BikeFest 2013

Annual BikeFest Adventure:
I (we) rode 2100+kms from Charlottetown to Moncton to Halifax to Joggins to Parrsboro to Antigonish to Wreck Cove to Cheticamp to Margaree to Baddeck to South Bar to Charlottetown - and everywhere in between! We stayed in the Wreck Cove Wilderness Cabins, rode hard as hell (and got pounded by timbit sized hail!!), hiked about 12kms to the edge of cliffs and waterfalls, and drank a million beers. Got to spend some time getting to know my little namesake, ate pizza with my brother and Jan, pet some pooches, watched some derby on the big screen...
My company was the best motorcycle peeps on Earth. How do I face normal life again?